Category: Uncertainty

Now what?

Sara Moser4 Comments

Friday was my last day doing the job I’ve been at for the last six years.

wp-1468765867052.pngPeople have been asking me what I am going to do. What comes out of my mouth first is “sit in the sun”.  I haven’t been doing much of that, so I am going to start today!

What else do I want to do? More yoga, for one. I’ve already been going to the yoga studio down the street, and plan to step it up from 1 or 2 times a week to 3 or 4. I’m considering a week long yoga retreat in Austin in October, and maybe even yoga teacher training.

I am going to write more, paint more, play more, relax more, dream more.

I am going to continue to open myself up to whatever is out there for me to do. I will go to social and networking events and have opportunities to talk about what I love. Perhaps some clients will arise from this.

I will update my resume and work on a new website.

I will connect more with my family, and welcome twin grandbabies into the world.

I’m going to re-open The Artist’s Way and see where it takes me.

I’ve looked back at some of what I wrote in the early days of this blog, two years ago, and am really amazed at the journey. Starting this blog and putting myself and my inner world “out there” was a huge step, and I have no doubt that because of continuing to allow myself to be vulnerable in this way I have become more willing to take chances and face fear.

Here I am, world!

Quitting time

Sara Moser14 Comments

wp-1467466842516.jpegI’m leaving my job. I gave notice. I’m leaving. I did it, woohoo!! Dance around the room!

I’ve been writing about this day for  2 years.  I’ve read some of my earlier posts and the yearning has definitely been there. I journaled about it ALOT.  I’ve planned for it ALOT. I can’t believe I’m actually HERE. (well really, I CAN believe it. It just seems strange)!

When I returned to work Monday, after the previous amazing week, I knew that I’d already made the decision. It’s been in my heart for a long time, and the lack of management support that has developed was the catalyst I needed. So it is done.

It is time. Time for me to move on. Time for new things. Time to open my heart to MORE possibility. Time to breathe. Time for more time to do that which makes my heart sing.

Ending and beginning

Sara MoserLeave a comment

I have had an amazing week!

Just as I expected, the five day intensive to wrap up my ayurvedic studies was exciting, confidence building, wonderful, and intense! I got to spend 5 days with my amazing teacher and 20 like-minded people who became, in a very short time, my family as well as my friends – my “peeps”.

As I have been away from home, immersed in study and then for the last two days on a mini vacation, I have also been given inspiration on what to do next and looked at my present job situation with new perspective.

The first thing I am going to do is start a new blog which will be focused on ayurveda as well as my personal journey in finding it and how it can be useful in daily life.  I think it will be helpful to me to pull together what I have learned by writing about it, with the goal of being able to teach others and have my own clients.

Stepping away from my day to day usual routine and the job that provides me with a roof over my head and food to eat is always a mind bender, and this time even more so. I had set a goal a little over a year ago to quit my job in June of 2016, when I finished with this course. And here it is, June 2016. A few months ago I decided to stay, to not be so drastic, and then things started happening that make me think that I am being guided away. My boss quit, and I was evicted from the office space I’ve had for 4 years due to what is the equivalent of office politics in a hospital.  Middle management isn’t supportive, and upper management doesn’t care, and as I write this, it just makes me wonder what am I holding on to?

I’ve had a tendency to hold on to relationships and jobs long past time to let go and move on, and I think that is what I am doing. Fear, again. Uncertainty, as usual. As difficult as it is, it is the known. But I have a new tool that I gained recently. Instead of fighting with the fear, or running from it, I have learned to make friends with it, to look at it as serving a purpose. And so I will sit with the fear for a bit, talk to it, question it.

I will go back to the job.  I want to take a zen mindset with me. Zen as defined in the urban dictionary:

swans on the lotus lagoon

One way to think of zen is this: a total state of focus that incorporates a total togetherness of body and mind. Zen is a way of being. It also is a state of mind. Zen involves dropping illusion and seeing things without distortion created by your own thoughts.  

I’ve had a tendency to try to fight what is inevitable, to act as if I have some sort of secret power to change the minds of management if I just dig in my heels hard enough.  I think I’m done with that. I need to stop holding on to what doesn’t serve me well.

I know, deep down that the timing is perfect for great change. That there is nothing to fear. That walking away from a closed door is walking towards an open one.

You can’t win a battle against those who have no honor. There is no reasoning with closed minds and no persuasion that will open a closed heart.  – mystical Cat tarot card

 

And now I turn my heart towards home.

 

Journey

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I passed my final test!

Not that I expected otherwise. It is always a relief to get it over with, to get it done.

For the last 15 months I have been immersed in my studies to become an Ayurvedic Practiioner. From the beginning, I have loved it – in fact, I have found my passion!  I have also discovered a lot about my self through this study. I had so many doubts and fears, but as I moved through and past them, my confidence in my own abilities increased and the fear decreased. Making the decision to pursue this course was one of the great turning points in my life.

I’ve learned how to detect subtle changes in a person’s physiology through feeling the pulse. I’ve learned a little bit about Jyotish astrology. I’ve learned a great deal about how making simple changes in one’s lifestyle and diet can lead to better health.  I’ve also learned how difficult it is for people to change their habits, and that commitment to change is the most important component in attaining better health.

So here I sit, at 4 in the morning, waiting for my plane. I will be joining my teachers and classmates for the final Clinical Intensive, the end of the course and the beginning of another new phase of my life. I am sure that this intensive, even more than the last, will be a turning point for me, an affirmation that this journey we call life can be meaningful, purposeful, healthy and exciting.

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Here I go again

Sara Moser1 Comment

Uncertainty, again.

Things are changing in my workplace.

The boss who has only been there 7 months is leaving. Some of my co-workers are looking to me for leadership, but this is not my path, I don’t want it. I want to stay settled in my little space until I decide it is time for change.

But that’s not the way it works.

In addition to that, my little office space, where I’ve been settled for a good four of the six years I’ve been employed at this hospital, is being commandeered by someone else. I was told that I would have to move to a non-private space on the first floor, but still be the case manager for the fourth floor. I said no, no way, no how.

This is not only impractical and not the only solution, but it shows blatant disrespect for all the case managers in my hospital. My first thought when I was informed of this potential move was “they have no idea what I do!” It is simply not acceptable to me, or to anyone in my department.  We feel like this is an affront to Case Management in general.

So I got really angry, in a way that I haven’t in a long time. Since I started meditating regularly about two years ago, I generally don’t get upset about much. I want to approach all situations and all people with a heart of love. But this hit a nerve. Fortunately, I was able to process through that first day, think about what was important to me, and go back to work the next day.

Because I thought about just quitting. Or at least resigning. Maybe this is a push from the universe. Sometimes I’m too tenacious, hold on to things for too long. I’ve done it in jobs before, and in marriage.  And I’d had a plan, last year, to make a change in June of 2016 – I am finishing my Ayurvedic Practioner Studies, and could live on savings for at least a couple of months.

But then I changed my mind, decided to try to hold on another year until my youngest graduates from college, pad my wallet a little more, build a practice while still being employed.  So then this happens. It really gave me pause.

wp-1464454141289.pngSo we shall see. This could be that final straw. Another solution that I proposed has been accepted, I’m told. However, it involves putting a door up where there is none, and I might be asked to vacate my space before they do that. Again, I will say no. I will move when and if I have an acceptable space. And if that’s not ok with the powers that be, I will move out of the building and on to what is next for me.

I’m actually getting a little excited about that prospect.

The next few weeks are going to be interesting.