It’s been a year since I started writing here, and life is still, and always will be, uncertain. With each step I take, this becomes more apparent. It has always been that way, but when my approach to life was fear-based, manifested by attempting to be in control of things and other people, I didn’t appreciate it. And I was pretty unhappy.
That first post was about pushing through fear, because at that moment in my life I realized that everything had shifted. I was in a happy place, after having gone through many flaming walls. Since then, I’ve practiced what I preached and continued pushing through. Every time I do, it gets easier.
Not to say that I am all fearless and never doubt! I don’t think that struggle ever goes away! But once you start making decisions based on love and hope, fear becomes much smaller.
I have written posts from my heart struggles, posted pictures, used this forum for a travel diary, and whatever else came to mind. Through this last year, I’ve asked myself what I really want, what is my passion and my purpose? I have meditated regularly and I think it has helped with clarity of mind.
I made the decision, after facing a pretty big wall of fear, to study ayurveda with the goal of becoming an ayurvedic practitioner and eventually being able to quit my day job. I am now wrapping up the end of the first term of three terms, on track to finish the program in June of 2016. Through this time I have dealt with doubt – mostly doubting my abilities to “do this”! The nutrition part is the easiest to assimilate, but the pulse diagnosis and Jyotish astrology are stretching my limits! And then I delve in again, and get excited by the possibilities.
This week, I had another big moment of knowing that I have found my path. These moments come at unexpected times. I was flooded with an overwhelming sense of peace and joy that this is really it. My passion isn’t writing, or painting, or being a case manager, or anything else I have either done for a living, or dabbled in. My dharma, or purpose, is to help people be well, and I am being given the knowledge and tools I need to make a difference.
Looking forward to the next year, until June 2016 when I travel to Michigan for the final intensive, I see myself devoting greater amounts of time to study and practicing what I am learning. I have a big trip planned for October when I am finally realizing my dream of going to Maine to see the fall colors. I will watch with wonder as my granddaughter grows from babyhood to young childhood. I want to strengthen my connections with my children as they wander the maze of adulthood. I will dabble with paint, color mandalas, take lots of pictures, and dream, dream, dream!
Much has happened this last year, and I am excited about the year to come. Beyond that is a world of possibilities!
Me by the lake on a very windy day!
Be like the sun for grace and mercy. Be like the night to cover other’s faults. Be like running water forgenerosity. Be like death for rage and anger. Be like the earth for modesty. Appear as you are. Be as you appear. – Rumi
I’m seeing a lot of great tributes to fathers on social media. I am happy for everyone who has had that kind of relationship with their father. Every time I see one of those posts, I feel a twinge of sadness. My father, although a good man, was never that kind of father. We had a good life with money and great vacations, but no emotional closeness. Now, although he is 87 and failing in health, I rarely speak to him because of his choice of wife, the woman he married 5 months after my mother died 5 years ago. I’m not going to go into all the details, but if you are interested, you can read the letter I wrote to him (but didn’t send) here and here. His wife is a toxic person but my father has chosen to spend his life with her, rather than have close relationship with his offspring. C’est la vie.
If you didn’t have a close relationship with your father, or had an abusive or not present father, today isn’t an easy day. I encourage you to write it out, if you haven’t already, and spend time with family or friends who are affirming and that you can share joy with. As for me, I will call my father and hope for the best. And I’m going to visit my sweet baby granddaughter, and smell flowers and play in puddles.
As I sit writing, it is raining torrentially. There is a tropical storm visiting that goes by the name of Bill.
I’ve lived on the Gulf Coast all my life and hurricane watching from June to November is just something we do around here. They are unpredictable for sure. Yesterday we were supposed to get loads of rain with possible heavy flooding and people were advised to stay home, schools and universities were closed. Didn’t happen here.
The rain was happening further south, and we had alot of wind. I made it to work and back without issue. We didn’t lose power or have flooding. This morning is a different story! I will take a change of clothes and shoes with me as I set out to work, and hope that I can find my way around the water. The route I take will definitely have flooded, closed areas!
Another day, another adventure, always uncertainty!
After taking two trips in a month, fantastic as they were, it is great to be home, be it ever so humble.
It took me about three days to recover from the 10 mile hike in the mountains of Montana after the late nights exploring Yellowstone! The air here on the Texas Gulf Coast is thick with humidity, it has rained torrentially followed by suffocating heat. But here I have an incredible partner who I share daily love with. I have my writing corner, my books, my art supplies, my view. My little granddaughter isn’t too far away, and she loves her “sassy”!
My lake isn’t the clear blue of the lakes in Montana, but it is beautiful and it is home.
We are expecting more rain today with the arrival of Tropical Storm Bill. I’m heading off to work this morning, and hoping I can get home! One of the biggest dangers around here when we have a lot of rain is flash floods. People get in big trouble when they attempt to drive through water and it is either deeper than they thought or rises quickly while they are in it. The storm is heading for a bit south of here so we will be on the wet side of it.
My flight was scheduled to leave Butte at 11:45. Hank and Marcia took me and my bags and we enjoyed a farewell breakfast at the Montana inn. The food there, as everywhere, was really good. My last meal in Montana was a veggie scramble with cream cheese, a mess of hash browns, and some rye toast.
My flight home was uneventful, and when I stepped off the plane I was greeted by the familiar wall of Houston humidity! My hair curled immediately! It was wonderful to be greeted by my dear Robert, I did miss him a lot. It will be a while before I go off without him! We are planning a three week road trip in New England in the fall, which will be wonderful!
I am so very glad I made the trip. Marcia and I found that we are kindred spirits in so many ways. She is open-minded and nonjudgmental, and I loved hearing her talk about her hikes with her father, her journey through relationships, and her daughter Leah, who I hope to meet sometime. Her husband Hank was a joy to spend time with in conversation.
Embracing Uncertainty 
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