Tag: change

Letter to my father (part 2)

Sara Moser2 Comments

Part 1 of this letter to my father can be found here.

Now comes the part that is really difficult for me to say. Being open about my feelings or opinions with you is not something I am used to doing. But I have come to a point in my life where I am not afraid to say what I think. I am writing to you instead of talking face to face because I don’t want any drama. I mean no malice, hold no grudge, just need to say it.

During the first three years of your marriage to Connie, I did what I could do be in relationship with both of you. I witnessed what I consider to be abuse in the form of belittling, Connie ordering you around, telling you to be quiet, even physically restraining you by grabbing you from behind and putting her hand over your mouth. But I said nothing because I wanted to stay involved in your life, and knew that if I spoke up Connie would yell at me as I had witnessed her yell at Jeff and at Ellen, and I wouldn’t be able to pretend that it was ok.

 Although I never spoke about it with you, I was struggling in my own life, finally freeing myself from a marriage that was a bad choice from the beginning. I did everything I could do make it seem “normal” but it wasn’t. I allowed myself to be yelled at and emotionally abused, and will never allow that in my life again.

 When you moved closer to me this past summer, I came to visit you often. I called or visited every day while Connie was in rehab after her surgery. I was “a good daughter.”  When she came home, I continued to visit and tried to be of service. I didn’t know a storm was brewing in her heart.

 Friday before Labor day you got attacked by the neighbor’s dog, requiring medical intervention. I didn’t find out until I called you a few days later. When I came over, I was relieved to see it wasn’t as bad as I imagined. I listened to you, I listened to Connie, then it was my turn, or so I thought. I told her that this was the sort of situation that I expected to be called about, I would have come over and helped in any way I could. Normal sort of request, I thought, and you are only 9 miles away now.

 Boy was I wrong. Connie, unbeknown to me, had been building resentment because I hadn’t called to check on HER. I called to check on you, visited you, but because I didn’t call HER, she wasn’t going to call me for ANYTHING. This was her response to me, and when she rose to her feet, yelling and coming towards me, I got up and left, as you may recall. I know you forget some things, but you have a lot of snap left.

I know how lonely you were after Mother died. I planned to continue to visit you weekly, as I had during the last months of her life, but you quickly started looking for someone to keep you company. When you announced that you were getting married 2 months after Mother’s death, it was a hard pill to swallow. But I supported you and Connie in spite of the emotional turmoil within me, and in spite of the immediate conflict with Jeff and her attempts to manipulate him through me. I was the one you called, crying, during that time. I was the only one of your children who came to your weddiing Not because I was happy about it, but because I felt it was the right thing to do as your daughter.

You have the right to make whatever choices you want in life, and so do I. All this to say, because of Connie’s actions without apparent remorse, I won’t be visiting any time soon. I can’t see myself in the same room with Connie without some sort of drama, and I don’t need or want that. If I can visit with just you some time, I will do that.

I do pray for peace and happiness for you and for Connie, in this life and in the next.

Sara with Daddy Sept 2012

 

Looking back at 2014

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fireworks

A year ago, 2014 was a blank canvas. Now, as I look back on it, the days, weeks, and months are painted in colorful designs, with some fireworks and a few black marks.

My granddaughter was born one year ago today, and her presence changed the course of my year. I wanted her to know me, so I’ve visited at least weekly, glad that she is only 40 minutes away. She has gone from that small, helpless babe in arms to an intensely curious, beautiful person who can run, not just walk, and who definitely knows her “Sassy”. (That’s me) Her mother doesn’t want pictures of her on the internet, or I’d post one.

Here are some highlights from the year, besides the sweet baby:

I had incapacitating back pain in January, missed work, went to chiropractors, had to become less active. I had thought I would get back into running, but there is still residual pain, so I have become much more sedentary.

In March and again in April I went to the Chopra Center near San Diego and in addition to learning something about Ayurveda and levels of consciousness, took up meditation on a twice daily basis. I didn’t really know what I was doing, sometimes still don’t, but I know that the continued practice is life-changing, in ways I can’t really explain. I am generally calmer, less reactive, and more in tune with my own rhythms. I highly recommend it. I wrote about it here.

In June I started this blog simply because in that moment I had something to say and thought it could be meaningful to someone else.  I wrote facing fear because those thoughts were burning in me and I wanted to get it out and own it. After I wrote it, I thought oh God, what have I done, now I have to keep writing! And have found the blogging world to be delightful and fascinating.

In July my youngest daughter moved out, and in August my second oldest son got married. My entire family was reunited for the wedding. I learned that letting go goes on and on and on, because children grow up to be adults with ideas of their own. It is the hardest thing, yet as I let them go, I also become free. I wrote about my empty nest.

The last day of August my sweetheart and I moved in together. We met in August of 2013, and it hadn’t taken too long before we were spending as much time together as we could. It didn’t make sense to keep living 30 miles apart. Having been married twice, living together without asking for the government’s approval just makes more sense for me, at my age. At least for now.

The rest of the year was pretty uneventful until this month. My family is pretty scattered and we don’t make a big deal of Christmas, so Robert and I decided to take a cruise, a first for both of us. The jury is still out on this experience. It was fun, but also exhausting. I think I prefer going to a destination and staying there for a while. Glad we went, though, and glad to be home.

Sara on cruise

Freedom from fear

Recovering a Sense of Identity – Part Two

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Everything has a purpose. Even if you have spent part of your life dealing with a Crazymaker. Take it from me!

Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose. — Elisabeth Kubler Ross

This post is a continuation of commentary springing from my reading of the second chapter of The Artist’s Way. If any of this is resonating with you, I highly recommend that you get this book. Even though it is supposed to be a 12 week course, life happens and if it takes 12 years that is ok.

In addition to really emphasizing the need to get away from toxic people, the author reminds us that there is a higher guidance available to us in moving through our fear and accessing our creativity. We tend to think that it is arrogant to speak of ourselves as creative artists, but the truth is that it is arrogance to refuse to acknowledge it. Whew!

To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. — Robert Louis Stevenson

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Every time you don’t follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness. –Shakti Gawain

It is one thing to point the finger at others as the barrier to our recovery, but an even greater enemy comes from within, Ms Cameron goes on to say, and that enemy is skepticism!  It doesn’t matter what our belief system is — we have this tendency to doubt the idea of creator and creativity. But, I am learning,  the thing to do is just keep letting it flow in spite of doubt. The author recommends morning pages – freely writing about 3 pages, longhand, every morning. I have been doing this fairly consistently, and I think it is making a difference, somehow, even in the midst of a very busy life.. The “artist’s date” has been a little more elusive – it is doing something by myself, with “my artist.” So far, I’ve taken myself shopping a couple of times and spent a little time painting, but haven’t really dedicated myself to doing anything, although I think I’m getting better at just being with myself, getting in touch with the silence within, primarily through meditation. But I digress.

We need to look for unexpected opportunities, or coincidences, or as Deepak Chopra says, synchronicity. We need to set aside our skepticism, take risks, and nudge open that door through which we can see dazzling light. In that light are lots of ideas that seem impossible, so we stick with the comfortableness of the dark room we are in. It takes recognizing that wall of fear and continuing to push the door open and walk into the light of creativity.

Develop interest in life as you see it; in people, things, literature, music –the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures,beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself. — Henry Miller

Long ago, before the internet and email and social media, people stayed in touch by writing letters about their lives and sending them to each other. Often those letters were about small details of their day, or observations about what flowers were blooming or the change in the weather. This paying attention to detail about the now is a way to connect to the universe and expand happiness and creativity. The reward for attention is always healing. I have journaled on and off through the years, and much of what I have written about is pain. The author of Artists Way also notes that she has written about pain, and that is what it took to get her to pay attention to the present moment. Think about it. The past may be too painful to want to remember, and the future could be too terrifying to contemplate, so focusing on the right now is the safe place to be. Right now, I’m breathing, and in the exact now, I am always all right.

What is blocking you? and what are you going to do about it?

Crazy feelings!

Recovering a Sense of Identity – Part One

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All sanity depends on this: that it should be a delight to feel heat strike the skin, a delight to stand upright, knowing the bones are moving easily under the flesh. — Doris Lessing

I started this blog after reading chapter one of The Artist’s Way. After almost 2 months, I opened the book again. I have borrowed the title of Week 2 here. I got pretty excited as I read that we must  “Go Sane” to recover and begin to trust our creativity again, and we might look crazy and erratic in the process. What  a relief! This endeavor has certainly been erratic!  The first post was truly inspired, and I wanted to keep writing, but inspiration is not always there when I want it! But I decided that the most important thing to do is write, for myself first, and if others can gain something, whether it be a laugh, encouragement, or a sense of community, that’s great, and if no one reads it, its ok, I have still expressed myself.

Children are so naturally creative and expressive. What happens to us that often we lose that, or squash it to the point that any creative endeavors are met with self-doubt?. I was creative all my life, others saw it and acknowledged it, but I didn’t believe it. Now – I wish I had more time to write, to paint, to just color with pretty colored pencils, even to do needlepoint again. But for now, I will do what I can, and reading this book and writing is part of my journey to unknown delights.

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Snipers are people who undermine your efforts to break unhealthy relationship patterns. – Jody Hayes

A major part of this chapter is devoted to “poisonous playmates”, otherwise known as people who are toxic, who will capsize the artist’s growth. Another name for some of these types is “crazymakers.”What a great word for people who create so much drama around themselves that they bring everyone else to a point of craziness.

These are the people who are charismatic, charming, often highly creative themselves, but they become destructive to those around them because they have to be the center of attention and basically suck the energy out of anyone near them. Here are some things she said Crazymakers do, and I can say this is absolutely true, based on being married to one for way too long:

  • break deals and destroy schedules ( yours)
  • expect special treatment
  • discount your reality
  • spend your time and money
  • triangulate those they deal with
  • are expert blamers
  • create dramas – but seldom where they belong
  • hate schedules – except their own
  • hate order – chaos serves their purposes
  • deny that they are crazymakers

But then – if crazymakers are that destructive, what are we doing involved with them?  The answer, as surprising as it seems, is that we are that crazy ourselves and that self – destructive.

Since I have been away from that situation in my personal life, I can see that this is true. Hard to admit, but true. Somehow, dealing with those circumstances is less frightening than the challenge of a creative life of our own. Fear of ourselves can be a strong enemy.

So – the first step is to admit the truth of your situation – that this crazy person is actually a block you chose yourself, to deter you from the path of creativity and true happiness. A book that helped me make the changes that  led to personal freedom and eventually a pursuit of creativity is Discovering Choices. Another good one is Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses. Those two books, as well as attending Al-anon meetings for a while, are what got me to see that I could make a change and have a better life.

 

 

Normal and happy! (empty nest part 2)

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“Normal is an ideal. But it’s not reality. Reality is brutal, it’s beautiful, it’s every shade between black and white, and it’s magical. Yes, magical. Because every now and then, it turns nothing into something.”
― Tara Kelly, Harmonic Feedback

Normal.

It used to be a baby in arms, toddlers clinging to my skirt, school age children’s myriad of activities, and teenagers testing their limits. It used to be that I was not only the nurturer and teacher for my many children, but the referee when squabbles and differences arose, always wanting them to be at peace with each other.

Now – all the children are adults, each with their unique personality and experience shaping who they are, what they believe, and how they live. No longer can I be the referee, forcing them to “kiss and make up” – they are grown, having been loved and nurtured, but also having had painful experiences. Normal now is just trying to keep in contact with each of them, be there for them, and understand that they are responsible for themselves and their relationships with each other.

“Normal” changes with the tides. The person I was yesterday is gone. The circumstances of yesterday are no more. Even the little daily routines I have vary from day to day.

Whatever circumstances I find myself in, I choose happiness.

happiness

“Happiness consists not of having, but of being. It is a warm glow of the heart at peace with itself.”
 ― David O. McKay

Whatever your circumstances are, whatever challenges and changes come your way, know that the place to find peace and happiness is within, not without. Moment by moment, it is easier said than done – so here are a few tips that help me keep my sanity when my thoughts start taking over my brain, and I want to forget to practice what I preach.

1. Meditate, even if it is just for a few minutes a day.

2. Observe your thoughts without judgment, and remind yourself that the past is gone and the future can’t be predicted — so that leaves the now!

3.Realize that life isn’t perfect – whatever that means. There will always be frustrations and failures.

4. If you start to feel down, or disappointed, or if you live with mental illness and life becomes overwhelming, write. Just write whatever comes, for 30 minutes or so. Then don’t read it again, that’s not what its for. Or paint, or draw or dance or wash the dishes. The feelings will pass if you don’t focus on them.

5. Validate yourself. You are beautiful, you are doing a great job, and you are worthy of love!

What do you do to maintain your own peace, happiness, and sanity?