Crazy feelings!

Recovering a Sense of Identity – Part One

All sanity depends on this: that it should be a delight to feel heat strike the skin, a delight to stand upright, knowing the bones are moving easily under the flesh. — Doris Lessing

I started this blog after reading chapter one of The Artist’s Way. After almost 2 months, I opened the book again. I have borrowed the title of Week 2 here. I got pretty excited as I read that we must  “Go Sane” to recover and begin to trust our creativity again, and we might look crazy and erratic in the process. What  a relief! This endeavor has certainly been erratic!  The first post was truly inspired, and I wanted to keep writing, but inspiration is not always there when I want it! But I decided that the most important thing to do is write, for myself first, and if others can gain something, whether it be a laugh, encouragement, or a sense of community, that’s great, and if no one reads it, its ok, I have still expressed myself.

Children are so naturally creative and expressive. What happens to us that often we lose that, or squash it to the point that any creative endeavors are met with self-doubt?. I was creative all my life, others saw it and acknowledged it, but I didn’t believe it. Now – I wish I had more time to write, to paint, to just color with pretty colored pencils, even to do needlepoint again. But for now, I will do what I can, and reading this book and writing is part of my journey to unknown delights.

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Snipers are people who undermine your efforts to break unhealthy relationship patterns. – Jody Hayes

A major part of this chapter is devoted to “poisonous playmates”, otherwise known as people who are toxic, who will capsize the artist’s growth. Another name for some of these types is “crazymakers.”What a great word for people who create so much drama around themselves that they bring everyone else to a point of craziness.

These are the people who are charismatic, charming, often highly creative themselves, but they become destructive to those around them because they have to be the center of attention and basically suck the energy out of anyone near them. Here are some things she said Crazymakers do, and I can say this is absolutely true, based on being married to one for way too long:

  • break deals and destroy schedules ( yours)
  • expect special treatment
  • discount your reality
  • spend your time and money
  • triangulate those they deal with
  • are expert blamers
  • create dramas – but seldom where they belong
  • hate schedules – except their own
  • hate order – chaos serves their purposes
  • deny that they are crazymakers

But then – if crazymakers are that destructive, what are we doing involved with them?  The answer, as surprising as it seems, is that we are that crazy ourselves and that self – destructive.

Since I have been away from that situation in my personal life, I can see that this is true. Hard to admit, but true. Somehow, dealing with those circumstances is less frightening than the challenge of a creative life of our own. Fear of ourselves can be a strong enemy.

So – the first step is to admit the truth of your situation – that this crazy person is actually a block you chose yourself, to deter you from the path of creativity and true happiness. A book that helped me make the changes that  led to personal freedom and eventually a pursuit of creativity is Discovering Choices. Another good one is Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses. Those two books, as well as attending Al-anon meetings for a while, are what got me to see that I could make a change and have a better life.

 

 

Facing fear

I chose “embracing uncertainty” as the name of my blog because this has been my life, although until recently, I couldn’t see that. I always liked the illusion of being in control, of making things happen.

Learning the seven spiritual laws has really changed the way I look at life. Detachment simply means not being attached to a particular outcome, or point of view. I get up in the morning and have no idea what the day will bring. I meet someone or have a conversation, and let life flow, as opposed to imposing my views or desires on others, or even GOD.

For three months, since I started meditating regularly, I have asked myself the soul question: Who am I? The idea is to just ask,  then meditate, with no expectations of anything. This is really an effort for me , as I like immediate answers. I recently opened a book, The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, subtitled A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. The author suggests writing morning pages, three longhand pages of whatever comes to mind. The hope is that whatever is blocked will be released. So I have been doing this for a couple of weeks, and it has basically become a journaling. Yesterday I came across an author who mentors – http://www.joannefedler.com and got  her 21 spoonfed writing tips for finding your writing voice. The first tip is to “spend some time writing about what makes you who you are, what moments in your life have shaped you.” Wow. Same as the soul question.

So I sat to write. And admitted on paper that I resist this exploration. And started writing, not expecting much. But as I wrote, I was able to see that I am a passionate, loving woman, and I give myself wholly to those I choose to love. As I continued to explore events and people who have shaped me and my life, I had what to me was an amazing aha revelation – the facing of fear has shaped me in a major way. And this:

Facing fear is like walking blindfolded through a wall of flame, not knowing how badly I might be burned, or if I will survive the heat, and if I do survive, not knowing what I will find on the other side or if I will be able to handle it.

Accepting the inevitability of change doesn’t mean giving up what I want. I just recognize that I control my choices, but have no idea what the consequences will be. Watching life unfold becomes wonderful instead of fearful.