Still facing fear

I am reblogging my first post. I “met” another blogger who had just started Morning pages, so went back to read this. Indeed there is something magical about writing 3 pages longhand about whatever is in your head first thing in the morning. So much has opened up for me in this last year, and there is so much opening up ahead.

Facing Fear (written and posted June 20, 2014)

I chose “embracing uncertainty” as the name of my blog because this has been my life, although until recently, I couldn’t see that. I always liked the illusion of being in control, of making things happen.

Learning the seven spiritual laws has really changed the way I look at life. Detachment simply means not being attached to a particular outcome, or point of view. I get up in the morning and have no idea what the day will bring. I meet someone or have a conversation, and let life flow, as opposed to imposing my views or desires on others, or even GOD.

For three months, since I started meditating regularly, I have asked myself the soul question: Who am I? The idea is to just ask,  then meditate, with no expectations of anything. This is really an effort for me , as I like immediate answers. I recently opened a book, The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, subtitled A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. The author suggests writing morning pages, three longhand pages of whatever comes to mind. The hope is that whatever is blocked will be released. So I have been doing this for a couple of weeks, and it has basically become a journaling. Yesterday I came across an author who mentors and got  her 21 spoonfed writing tips for finding your writing voice. The first tip is to “spend some time writing about what makes you who you are, what moments in your life have shaped you.” Wow. Same as the soul question.

So I sat to write. And admitted on paper that I resist this exploration. And started writing, not expecting much. But as I wrote, I was able to see that I am a passionate, loving woman, and I give myself wholly to those I choose to love. As I continued to explore events and people who have shaped me and my life, I had what to me was an amazing aha revelation – the facing of fear has shaped me in a major way. And this:

Facing fear is like walking blindfolded through a wall of flame, not knowing how badly I might be burned, or if I will survive the heat, and if I do survive, not knowing what I will find on the other side or if I will be able to handle it.

Accepting the inevitability of change doesn’t mean giving up what I want. I just recognize that I control my choices, but have no idea what the consequences will be. Watching life unfold becomes wonderful instead of fearful.

The Golden Key

I am a seeker. I’m always looking for more. More wisdom, more truth, more answers. My mind is active, my questions are many. I’ve found answers, kept some, discarded others. I continue searching – searching for that place of peace and quiet, settledness of mind.

So as I consider the question, where would I go if I had a golden key that would open any door, it didn’t take long for me to realize that I have already had the door open to that place. The key is meditation, and the place is mysterious.

I close my eyes, take a few deep breaths, and focus inward, and my mantra flows in the background. Just the act of closing my eyes opens the door to a new world. Thoughts arise, thoughts fall, I bring my attention back to center- it becomes a sort of dance, a flow. I gradually relax, tension releases. Sometimes there are many thoughts swirling around, and I wonder “is this really meditation?” Other times I am so tired I fall asleep. Then there are the special moments when I see something profound, or have a brilliant idea — but don’t remember it later.

These are a few of the things that happen to me during meditation. What I was taught is to practice nonjudgment about whatever happens. The point is to take the time (for me, it is 30 minutes, twice daily) to sit and be with myself. There is a cleansing, a releasing, that happens during meditation. Sometimes I feel a great deal of energy, particularly in my hands and feet. Always, without me even noticing it, there are those moments when I slip into “the gap”, that place between thoughts, where peace resides.

Over time, in daily life, I realize that I am less reactive, and others who know me say “there’s something different about you.”

I think everyone experiences something different, because we are all unique. What happens to you, when you sit with yourself?




The best thing to do when frustration sets in is STOP.

So that’s what I did after writing my last post. I decided not to write, or paint, or work on my organic home business, and just enjoy life. So what have I been doing?

I’ve gone to a couple of social events – dinner, a movie, through

I took a road trip to Austin last weekend, ate at some great places and spent some relaxed time with my son and some friends. Just driving – alone or with a companionable companion, watching the scenery, listening to music, talking – is very decompressing.

I took a class in mosaics, which was enjoyable, but I’ve decided that I’d rather paint!

I’ve been learning more about Ayurveda, and started  a 30 day program to “reset” my digestion – The Hot Belly diet. I’m on day 18 and feeling great!

I’ve signed up for a course through the Chopra Center – Synchrodestiny.

It came to me very clearly a few days ago that what I really, really want to do is get a health coach certification, and make a difference in the lives of people who are seeking wellness rather than embracing illness. Working in a hospital around sick people can be rather depressing after a while. Most of the clientele, at least at the hospital where I work, are in and out, chronically ill, dependent on doctors and pills, not really changing the way they live and really get better. So I am going to start writing down ideas and see where this goes.

Last but not least I’m moving my muscles again, slowly!  A little yoga, a few kettle bell swings, walking — the main thing is – RELAX!

What do you like to do when stress has taken over and you need to  relax?

To be rigidly a…

To be rigidly attached to the idea of arriving at the destination takes away from the joy and spontaneity of the journey. The search for the certainty of timetables and outcomes comes from our limited ego self, not our unlimited self. If we surrender to the wisdom of uncertainty, we remain open to the wonder […]