The lake called to me this morning. I took my coffee and sat on the bench, drinking in the relative cool of the morning air.
The surface of the lake is still, interrupted occasionally by a fish jumping or insect skimming the surface. The light blue cloudless sky foreshadows another hot day – upper 90’s, high humidity.
As I sat, memories of the last two years crowded my mind. I have lived and loved and learned so much — finally feel like I’m on the verge of adulthood, even though my 58th birthday is just around the corner. I break my life into segments – my childhood and adolescence, my first marriage with all the children, my second marriage with all the chaos, the first year after that of singleness and dating, of working on me like crazy, seeking the wholeness of loving myself first, and being ok with the possibility of living my life on my own, while also going out and having a great deal of fun meeting a lot of new people.
I think of the times I sat on this bench, wanting to live where I could look out at this view every morning, and moving, just over a year ago, to the third floor apartment making my intention a reality.My heart swelled and I shed some happy tears, thinking about the events of the last year, since I met Robert, and the gradual awareness that this was the person with whom I wanted to spend time with, to share life with, and that this was a mutual experience. We took two trips to California, to the Chopra center, experiencing expansion of happiness. My first grandchild was born, my youngest child left home, my second eldest got married, which facilitated a reunion of all the kids, probably the last for a long time.
Now, another transition is happening, as Robert and I made a decision to share living quarters, both of us tired of the 40 minute drive between us. We are staying here, at my place by the lake, and it is an interesting and challenging endeavor in so many ways. We have been gradually bring his stuff in, working on the blending of our possessions in a way satisfactory to both, and it is a wonder to me that over and through all the decisions and work, there is a strong rope of peace and love connecting us, a healthy love, not emotional dependence.
As I continued pondering these things, gazing out at the beauty of the water and sky, a boat interrupst the silence, sending ripples my way, I find myself asking again – what is my purpose? The answer this morning is strong in my heart. I am a mother, have borne children and loved them as best I can. My continuing purpose is to be love, in whatever form that can take, with whomever I find myself sharing moments with. Everything else is icing.
Don’t worry, my heart tells me, rest in each moment, and don’t be afraid.
“Fate is how your life unfolds when you let fear determine your choices. A path of destiny reveals itself to you, however, when you confront your fear and make conscious choices. ” – Carolyn Myss