Creating a featured post

I have been writing in my journal a lot lately. I call it mush, but it seems to keep me sane.

My journal is entirely private, and I wouldn’t ever want to post it publicly. Back in the old days when I wrote in notebooks, I would never keep them for long for fear that someone else would read what I wrote. Now I write “securely” online in my Penzu journal. There’s this litte bit of uncertainty that it is not really private, but I’m taking the chance!  I write about my daily life, or my kids, or how great my boyfriend is, or the stories I make up about what I think other people are thinking. It includes alot of emotional out-letting, kind of like a good cry.

What does this have to do with writing a featured post, you may ask? Time. If I’m writing in my journal, then I’m not writing something to publish, although it is often a catalyst to  something I want to share. The featured post idea comes from Blogging 101, which I haven’t ended up participating in so much after all.  And since I am, after all, Embracing Uncertainty, I hesitate to announce that I will consistently have a piece on a particular day of the week or month. That would be too certain.

I wrote the above a few days ago. Here it is Saturday morning, January 31. It’s been a crazy busy week at work. Some say it is because of a full moon, or Mercury is in retrograde.  I think life is just like that sometimes, and we don’t always know why. The lull will come.

I’m enjoying my coffee in my favorite cup with my favorite “Advice from a Dragonfly” on it.

Spend time near the water

Be colorful

Enjoy a good reed

Zoom in on your dreams

Keep your eyes open!


And that is the conclusion of the matter. In the uncertain future, I have plans for other blogs, poetry, books, and perhaps a featured post. For now, I will be gloriously and consistently inconsistent and random, fluttering here and there and everywhere like my friend the dragonfly.

Letter to my father (part 2)

Part 1 of this letter to my father can be found here.

Now comes the part that is really difficult for me to say. Being open about my feelings or opinions with you is not something I am used to doing. But I have come to a point in my life where I am not afraid to say what I think. I am writing to you instead of talking face to face because I don’t want any drama. I mean no malice, hold no grudge, just need to say it.

During the first three years of your marriage to Connie, I did what I could do be in relationship with both of you. I witnessed what I consider to be abuse in the form of belittling, Connie ordering you around, telling you to be quiet, even physically restraining you by grabbing you from behind and putting her hand over your mouth. But I said nothing because I wanted to stay involved in your life, and knew that if I spoke up Connie would yell at me as I had witnessed her yell at Jeff and at Ellen, and I wouldn’t be able to pretend that it was ok.

 Although I never spoke about it with you, I was struggling in my own life, finally freeing myself from a marriage that was a bad choice from the beginning. I did everything I could do make it seem “normal” but it wasn’t. I allowed myself to be yelled at and emotionally abused, and will never allow that in my life again.

 When you moved closer to me this past summer, I came to visit you often. I called or visited every day while Connie was in rehab after her surgery. I was “a good daughter.”  When she came home, I continued to visit and tried to be of service. I didn’t know a storm was brewing in her heart.

 Friday before Labor day you got attacked by the neighbor’s dog, requiring medical intervention. I didn’t find out until I called you a few days later. When I came over, I was relieved to see it wasn’t as bad as I imagined. I listened to you, I listened to Connie, then it was my turn, or so I thought. I told her that this was the sort of situation that I expected to be called about, I would have come over and helped in any way I could. Normal sort of request, I thought, and you are only 9 miles away now.

 Boy was I wrong. Connie, unbeknown to me, had been building resentment because I hadn’t called to check on HER. I called to check on you, visited you, but because I didn’t call HER, she wasn’t going to call me for ANYTHING. This was her response to me, and when she rose to her feet, yelling and coming towards me, I got up and left, as you may recall. I know you forget some things, but you have a lot of snap left.

I know how lonely you were after Mother died. I planned to continue to visit you weekly, as I had during the last months of her life, but you quickly started looking for someone to keep you company. When you announced that you were getting married 2 months after Mother’s death, it was a hard pill to swallow. But I supported you and Connie in spite of the emotional turmoil within me, and in spite of the immediate conflict with Jeff and her attempts to manipulate him through me. I was the one you called, crying, during that time. I was the only one of your children who came to your weddiing Not because I was happy about it, but because I felt it was the right thing to do as your daughter.

You have the right to make whatever choices you want in life, and so do I. All this to say, because of Connie’s actions without apparent remorse, I won’t be visiting any time soon. I can’t see myself in the same room with Connie without some sort of drama, and I don’t need or want that. If I can visit with just you some time, I will do that.

I do pray for peace and happiness for you and for Connie, in this life and in the next.

Sara with Daddy Sept 2012


Letter to my father (part 1)

Blogging 101 suggested that I write to my “dream reader” and put a different twist on how I write. My dream reader would be someone who is interested in what I have to say and gives me some sort of validation. So I wrote this in a letter to my father. He is nearly 87 and in poor health, and although what I have written is what I would actually like to say, I probably won’t send it. There would be no validation, and would likely cause sorrow. 

Sara and Daddy

Dear Daddy,

I am writing to you because I need to say some things to you. I’ve called a few times since the incident in September but I just can’t find it in me to visit after what happened. I think about you every day.

Before I get to the hard stuff, I want to thank you for giving me a great childhood. We lived in a nice house and had everything we needed and more. We had the BEST vacations of anyone I know. I often recount some of the adventures we had. The most memorable ones for me were camping in arizona when Jeff was a baby and you broke your leg, horseback riding in Wyoming and catching all those fish, and the best of all, although I didn’t appreciate it as a 12 year old, was the year we went to Minnesota and took that 4 day primitive canoe trip. I know Ellen and I gave you a lot of grief on that trip! But we are now glad for all those good times.

Remember how you would take the three of us girls fishing? I was too impatient to sit there and hold a pole, but didn’t mind putting earthworms on the hooks for my sisters. So it all worked out. You taught me how to clean a fish, and by example you and mother taught us a lot about how to get by, and then took us back to live at ease for the rest of the year.

When I was a senior in high school, you helped me figure out what path to pursue. I am very grateful that you made me make a choice, and that I went to nursing school. Even though I didn’t work for a lot of years while my kids were small, I was able to get a job easily and have a good income.

The worst thing that ever happened to our family was losing Laura. But we held together and went on.

There are a lot more memories. I just want you to know that I am grateful for the life you and Mother gave me, and for the monetary gifts you gave me through the years.

Now comes the part that is really difficult for me to say.

…to be continued


Searching for purpose

“What do I really, really want?”

This is the question that I ask myself often, a soul question.

I have a great job, although it certainly isn’t a passion. I am good at it, I like the security the paycheck gives me, I have a boss who gives me space as well as encouragement. My kids are grown and doing fine, and I have a great life and wonderful partner to share it with.

Yet. Always this question. I know that I want to spend more time outside in nature, more time writing and photographing, more time dabbling in paint and other creative endeavors. I want to travel to places I’ve never been. And I want to find a way to help others live a happier, healthier way.

I’m glad I signed up for Photography 101. I’ve been enjoying the different assignments, although right now I’m rather stuck, and tired of using my phone camera. I want to be able to take beautiful close up shots like these beautiful pelicans.

Blogging 101 has been mostly about how to set up my wordpress site, not so much about writing. Maybe that will come in Blogging 102. It’s been helpful, even stretched me to write a poem one day. I’ve connected with quite a few other bloggers, who inspire me to keep writing, keep taking pictures, keep traveling and experiencing life to the fullest.

As I sat this past weekend, outside on a beautiful day, savoring the sights, sounds, and scents around me, this question formed in my mind: ” God, Great Spirit, Universe – what am I supposed to do? What is my purpose?” I sat in silence for a while, then the realization slowly dawned on me that I can do anything I want. I need to stop looking outside myself for answers, and look within, face my fear (again!), and when I am ready, I will take the next step, whatever that is, and it will be exciting and uncomfortable, scary and exhilarating.


still morning

cool air

water reflecting sky

another day, sorting out life

dealing with the mass of humanity

everyone has a story

everyone has pain


I am sky

the other is water

I look at him and see myself

I feel what she feels

for just that moment,until

ego takes over, like the ripples in the water

and I forget

the pain of humanity is my pain

the joy of the universe is my joy


another morning

I see the reflection

and remember